Calling God, God's IVR

Sacrificer           SHER SINGH AGRAWAL
Sacrifice code       wfor0445
Sacrifice date       25 march 2009

Over the past several years, we have all learned to live with IVRS -
"Inter-active Voice Response System" as a necessary part of modern life. I
was just wondering what would happen if God decides to go hi-tech and
installs voicemail? I gave it a lot of thought and came up with various
scenarios:

Let us imagine a scenario. You dialed God's number.

"Hi! Thank you for calling God. Please select one of the following:

If you are Christian, dial 1
All Hindus, dial 2
All Muslims, dial 3
All others, dial 0."

So, lets say you are a Hindu and you dialed 2. Here is what you hear:

Press 1 for Requests
Press 2 for Thank you messages for God
Press 3 for Complaints about unfulfilled promises
Press 4 for All other inquiries.
If your prayers are still not answered, dial '0' and ask for Naradmuni."

Or, if all Gods were busy, you might hear this:

"We are sorry, all Gods are busy helping other Bhaktas and Sinners.
However, your prayer is important to us and your prayer will be answered in
the order it was received. Please stay on line. One of the Gods will be
with you soon."

Or, it could even go this way when you start praying:

"If you know your God's extension, dial it now...."

Or, you might hear this:

"If you would like to speak to Ganeshji, Press 1.
For Lord Hanuman, Press 2.
For Lord Krishna, Press 3.
To confess your sins, press 4.
To ask for favors, Press 5."

Or, you might even hear this:

"You have reached Lord Krishna's extension.. I am going to be away to
conduct a special yuddha to save the humanity and will be away until the
year 2012. If this is something urgent and cannot wait until then, call
Shankara at GB +44 77! 90000200 00 Call. If you want to speak to someone
else, for other gods' directory, Press 6 now."

Or you might even hear something like this if you call toward the end of
your life cycle:

"If you think you have reservations at our Heavenly Resort, please provide
your name, social security number and be ready to provide the proof of your
eligibility. If you do not have the proof of eligibility, please dial
420-HELL and ask for General Manager Ravana, who will be happy to help
you."

Or, depending on the purpose of your call, you might hear this:

"If you are calling to find out if a loved one has been assigned to Heaven,
Press 5, enter his or her 'mantra' number, then press the 0 key. If you
get a negative response, try area code 420-HELL."

For all you know in this day and age of quotas and all, you might even get
a response like this:

"Our computer records show that you have already prayed once today. Please
hang up and try again tomorrow..."

Or you might even here this if you call on the wrong day:

"This Main Office of Heaven is closed for DIWALI holidays. If this is an
emergency, you may try our Himalayan Retreat in the mean time by dialing
6000-31,000."

So, let us hope and pray that God never learns about computers And IVR
systems - because if he does, we are in BIG trouble!

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SHER SINGH AGRAWAL
Please see my blog at

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